ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
