saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
