Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
