You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
