I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
