I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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