Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
