if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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