i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
