He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
