He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
