just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
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