I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
