jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
