I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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