Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
