I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
