dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
