I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
