I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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