I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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