Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
