Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
