Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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