if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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