Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
