dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
