I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
