Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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