There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
