Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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