My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No stitches, just platelets and will power
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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