i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
