Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
