I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
