I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
me + whiskey = a bad person
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
