all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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