Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
