i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
