ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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