What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
