someone threw a dead crab at me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
