Someone shit on the floor
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
