I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
