I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
