You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
