just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
