alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
