Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
