I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
