it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
