The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
