It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
