And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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