so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
